You Think You Have Had A Bad Day?!

So I guess the Universe heard me claiming the other day was the worst day ever and decided to… well give me what I wanted, the absolute worst day ever.

So I’m back living at my parents. Prawn and I are no longer living together. I am looking for an apartment that will let me keep my job (which I love, I really love my job). But to do so I will absolutely need to keep my car… and that means I’ll have to buy The Prawn out for it as well as making the monthly payments and Insurance payments (which he was paying for prior) and oh yea… rent.

I might have mentioned once or twice that we were living with The Prawn’s parents. Well they did not let me go into the house to get all my stuff last night… and I mean, I have been living there over a year and have A LOT of stuff.

So Prawn and I had a giant fight the night before and I went to work upset. I went to visit him on my lunch and, well I was an hour late back from my lunch and was so distraught I left a few hours early (Which, to anyone who knows me, never ever happens. Ever. I could be dying and I wont leave work. I just don’t.) I drove to the YMCA after calling my mom, since I decided I need to workout, I just can’t give up on my dreams…

Well I ended up crying myself to sleep in the parking lot, waking up an hour and a half later sweatier than if I had actually worked out… with yet another migraine.

I visited my parents without having worked out. I didn’t have anywhere else to go and once that realisation sunk in… well, I went into a huge depression.

To my family reading this, no, I am not sure where I stand with the Prawn right now, if we are together, I don’t know. We have been best friends for 6 years now and have a lot to workout… just know that I am no longer living at his parents and am searching for an apartment alone. xoxo

Would you believe I did not cheat? I went to the store and bought gum, diet cream soda, and a tub of fat free Greek yogurt. I ate the yogurt which yes, was cheating, it was no sugar added but the sugar content was still a little high for Dukan… but even with all the crazy cravings I was having and the thoughts of ‘just EFF this I will eat a donut!!!’… I didn’t cave.

I’m not going to destroy my body and give up on this dream… even though monetarily it’s probably not happening…

BAH I can’t say that. I can do it, I can manage.

This is so heartbreaking, ontop of everything…

I kindof just keep thinking, DAMN, do you know what I should do? I should take this as a sign. I have always wanted to just GO, to abandon my life and just GO… It’s a huge dream of mine and is on my bucket list. It’s the scariest thing you can do, just abandon your life, right? But I want to do it so badly.

I don’t care where I would go but I would move to a different country and just LIVE. Drop every stress, every anxiety that riddled my past life and go.

I could do this now… I don’t have an apartment to pay rent to, I could sell the car, I could cancel my phone and just go… give a months notice to my job, rack up some money and do it.

But I’m scared…

And that would be giving up on bodybuilding.

And I’m not even in a good mental place to be making life changing decisions… now am I?

So that’s that. Kindof goes to show though, even faced with adversity, where you want ice cream more than your next breath and if you had cookie dough in front of you… WOAH NELLY would you just be in tear-flowing Heaven…

Does that make sense?

Stick to the diet, because it’s for YOU. Tonight I will actually hit the gym (first time in… 2-3 days) and I will kill it (with the rage of my life pushing me through) music blaring and guns blazing… I will get hot, fit, toned, I will still kill November, and if I can’t afford to compete, well then I’ll look smoken’ hot for November LOL, and I will volunteer at the competition.

Anyway, do it for you. Make good choices today.

xoxo

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11 thoughts on “You Think You Have Had A Bad Day?!

  1. From what I know about you ( in the short time I’ve been reading your blogs) you will perservere through this and come out a stronger person than before, both mentally and physically. Continue to take care of yourself FIRST and the rest will fall into place. Hang in there, praying for you!

  2. Keep putting yourself and your mental and physical health first, Girl! And no, don’t make any life decisions right now….keep a list, though, and come back to it in a few months. You made a committment to yourself to compete in November and YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT!!! Those of us who only know you through your blog KNOW you can do it.
    : ))

    All will find resolution and you will realize that you are exactly where you need to be.

    Will still throw some positive vibes our way, just for good measure…

    JA

  3. I am so sorry. I am a firm believer in “things happen for a reason”. And although you’ve probably heard this from many others…you will come out from under this, look back and know you came out the other side a stronger person. Right now it just plain sucks.

  4. I am so sorry you’re going through this girl! The training and dieting is hard enough without the added stress of huge life changes! I am so glad your parents are there to help you! Hopefully the car isn’t in both of your names! I agree that you shouldn’t make any life decisions right now but thinking about your options is definitely okay! You WILL compete in November, you WILL find a way! We are all so invested in your journey and can’t wait to see you succeed! I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but this is just a bump in the road, and whatever happens is going to lead to something better!! I hope you feel better soon!

  5. Take a deep breath. Calm down. Make no decisions now or for the foreseeable future. None! Keep going on and doing what you’re doing, but change nothing else– quick/rash decisions are hard to undo. Maintain until you figure it all out. Hugs.

  6. You are so strong! keep it up – you will do well. its great that you dont use being upset to eat rubbish, it shows how much you’ve changed! i hope you are ok and things work out for you :)

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