So I guess the Universe heard me claiming the other day was the worst day ever and decided to… well give me what I wanted, the absolute worst day ever.
So I’m back living at my parents. Prawn and I are no longer living together. I am looking for an apartment that will let me keep my job (which I love, I really love my job). But to do so I will absolutely need to keep my car… and that means I’ll have to buy The Prawn out for it as well as making the monthly payments and Insurance payments (which he was paying for prior) and oh yea… rent.
I might have mentioned once or twice that we were living with The Prawn’s parents. Well they did not let me go into the house to get all my stuff last night… and I mean, I have been living there over a year and have A LOT of stuff.
So Prawn and I had a giant fight the night before and I went to work upset. I went to visit him on my lunch and, well I was an hour late back from my lunch and was so distraught I left a few hours early (Which, to anyone who knows me, never ever happens. Ever. I could be dying and I wont leave work. I just don’t.) I drove to the YMCA after calling my mom, since I decided I need to workout, I just can’t give up on my dreams…
Well I ended up crying myself to sleep in the parking lot, waking up an hour and a half later sweatier than if I had actually worked out… with yet another migraine.
I visited my parents without having worked out. I didn’t have anywhere else to go and once that realisation sunk in… well, I went into a huge depression.
To my family reading this, no, I am not sure where I stand with the Prawn right now, if we are together, I don’t know. We have been best friends for 6 years now and have a lot to workout… just know that I am no longer living at his parents and am searching for an apartment alone. xoxo
Would you believe I did not cheat? I went to the store and bought gum, diet cream soda, and a tub of fat free Greek yogurt. I ate the yogurt which yes, was cheating, it was no sugar added but the sugar content was still a little high for Dukan… but even with all the crazy cravings I was having and the thoughts of ‘just EFF this I will eat a donut!!!’… I didn’t cave.
I’m not going to destroy my body and give up on this dream… even though monetarily it’s probably not happening…
BAH I can’t say that. I can do it, I can manage.
This is so heartbreaking, ontop of everything…
I kindof just keep thinking, DAMN, do you know what I should do? I should take this as a sign. I have always wanted to just GO, to abandon my life and just GO… It’s a huge dream of mine and is on my bucket list. It’s the scariest thing you can do, just abandon your life, right? But I want to do it so badly.
I don’t care where I would go but I would move to a different country and just LIVE. Drop every stress, every anxiety that riddled my past life and go.
I could do this now… I don’t have an apartment to pay rent to, I could sell the car, I could cancel my phone and just go… give a months notice to my job, rack up some money and do it.
But I’m scared…
And that would be giving up on bodybuilding.
And I’m not even in a good mental place to be making life changing decisions… now am I?
So that’s that. Kindof goes to show though, even faced with adversity, where you want ice cream more than your next breath and if you had cookie dough in front of you… WOAH NELLY would you just be in tear-flowing Heaven…
Does that make sense?
Stick to the diet, because it’s for YOU. Tonight I will actually hit the gym (first time in… 2-3 days) and I will kill it (with the rage of my life pushing me through) music blaring and guns blazing… I will get hot, fit, toned, I will still kill November, and if I can’t afford to compete, well then I’ll look smoken’ hot for November LOL, and I will volunteer at the competition.
Anyway, do it for you. Make good choices today.