Few quick stats:
- I have lost 19.6/40.6lbs on this restart
- Today is day 32 back on Dukan
- 49 days until my competition! OOOOH MYYYYYY!!! :0
You remember when I said I didn’t want to weigh myself until at least Saturday… maybe even until a week from now?
Well… Saturday came early this week! :D
I can’t help it -.- It’s a habit I have formed! A year and almost 4 months (yep… that long!) of weighing myself every single day… it’s a hard one to break. I did everything right yesterday so I figured… I could just take a peak.
Glad I did! I dropped 0.6lbs… I’m down to my new lowest adult weight! (It feels so good to say!!!)
I can’t even believe it.
Making good choices is not always easy. Last night was particularly brutal for me. Went apartment hunting, which was fine. Did not see a single one I liked, at all, so I’m still gunning for my aunts condo-apartment.
I then proceeded to just… hormonally roller coaster for two and a half hours. Oh man, I was being a big baby. I was grumpy and really felt drained. I knew I had to workout, at least get some cardio in since I missed two days of the gym this week because of apartment stuff. I was in the parking lot of the YMCA and I went from crying about how tired I was, to being angry, angry at myself and at Prawn for various reasons, to being sad again, to finally motivated and then we would drive up to the YMCA entrance aaaaaand mental breakdown with me saying ‘no I’m not ready, I can’t do it, drive back to the parking’…
This happened for an entire TWO AND A HALF HOURS!
Flip-flopping… getting angry, feeling sad and depressed, justifying cheating to myself (over and over and over again…) saying I’m going to give up on November, boosting myself up, driving to the door, opening the car door… can’t walk out of the car drive me back to the parking please.
What a colossal waste of time… for both of us! Ugh I am so frustrated with myself right now.
I wanted to cheat, but, like I told Prawn last night, I didn’t want to cheat like eat some Greek yogurt (which I kept flipping-flopping about as well… or rotisserie chicken skin or whatever… I didn’t want to go out to a restaurant and order nachos or a dessert… I wanted to BINGE. I didn’t just have a craving for some specific food or to cheat, I actually just wanted to binge eat and it was weird recognising that craving.
I imagined about 50 different foods I just wanted to eat all at once, I wont torture you with the details but I am really disgusted with myself. Really.
I didn’t do it, I didn’t even eat chicken skin or anything, I kept to my strict food plan and this morning I really do feel so much better for it. I also REALLY didn’t want to exercise yesterday, it was causing me a lot of stress but at 8:30 I ran in and did the stairs for an hour and a half (8:30 was the VERY latest I could do it, since the gym closes at 10pm… I was cutting it close for sure.)
So I did it, it took me so much will and so much drive… I kept thinking about giving up and in the end I pushed through it (it was such a hard process… but I did do it!)
I hope this gets easier as time goes on, I really do. I got home late last night after my workout and just passed out right away, woke up this morning still tired and right back to it. Will not cheat today and will just GO to the gym after my apartment appointments. I’m just going to march straight into the Y, no dilly-dallying and just workout. I mean come on! I can do it.
So just goes to show you, hey, it’s SO BRUTALLY HARD. Motivating yourself and sticking to the plan is soooo hard, it takes time and even when you have lost 115lbs, it’s still a daily struggle to control those cravings and not give in.
Be strong today! I’m glad the scale rewarded me with a positive number, honestly if I had gained weight after all the struggle… Ooooh man I don’t even know what I would have done. Yet another reason I should absolutely not be weighing myself every day.
Have a good one, make good choices!