Mental Health Break?

That’s what I keep calling what I’m doing… this is brutal to try and explain to the majority of you who are so successful in your dieting or trying to be and struggling… but I have taken a mental health break.

Living at my parents, with no access to my things, finally found an apartment close to my work that I can afford. Pushed back my competition date to the spring and over a year of dieting strictly I guess had taken their toll? I was so easily irritable, snapping at everyone and when I cheated… I cheated hard. I was so down on myself, full of guilt. Then the transition from Cruise to Consolidation was so sudden.

I didn’t know what to do.

So I decided to give myself a mental health break. 2 weeks and 2 days of it. I kept telling myself “today I am back on track, following Dukan… I can do it” but then my sisters birthday would come up, or friends whom I haven’t been able to hang out with much would invite me out and I would get off. Kept pushing it next day… okay tomorrow… OKAY TOMORROW THIS TIME FOR REAL!

The thing is, I wasn’t enjoying treating myself to restaurant meals or homemade meals with my family because I was constantly putting my actions down. So I said to myself (with the direction of a friend of mine) that I was going to start over October 1st. I will hit the gym, I will get back onto dieting Monday October 1st, no excuses, and no cheating.

Well… I made the decision and have since just eaten what I want when I want it.

Bad decision on my part… absolutely horrible decision. I am afraid of weighing myself because I feel MASSIVE. I feel OBESE… I barely fit in any of my clothing, I have headaches, I have a tummy roll… where my almost abs used to be… my muscles do not show even a little… I feel self-conscious and have NO confidence. I am supposed to go out this weekend and I am so petrified… I know I wont feel amazing and sexy like the last time I went out. I haven’t taken a picture of myself all week, I feel so disgusted.

I am dissapointed, I feel hideous.

I keep telling myself, as of October 1st I will be skinny and hot again… just need to put off seeing anyone until then… but I know it will take twice as long to lose the weight than it took to put it on. Ugh.

So that’s where I am at, my headspace, my bad decision making.

I’m still alive… just ashamed to blog. But you know what, we are not all perfect. ;) I will be back busting my butt on Monday. I feel so stupid saying that… why can’t I start tomorrow? Right now even! It’s so embarassing to say but I have really clinged onto the idea of these next few days in my mind.

So going to try and avoid the guilt, I’m just going to do this and then be on my way. Back to the gym (which I have really missed…) back to dieting. No excuses and just nothing… Will do a proper weigh in Monday morning, with measurements and underwear photos.

I have been looking at bodybuilders non-stop since taking this mental health break… I want to look like all of them so badly. Ugh.

Love you guys! Keep making good choices, please! Make good ones for me too! MONDAY OCTOBER 1st! I AM SORRY I AM SO WEAK! :(


11 thoughts on “Mental Health Break?

  1. Oh sweetie. I’ve sooo been there. I’m only just coming out of it now.
    I’m so so so disappointed in myself for gaining weight again and eating crap. I didn’t even enjoy the crap, but I think I just needed a break from thinking about what I was going to eat 24/7… it’s hard work. Relax for a few days, enjoy your break. You’ll be back on track soon.
    I wish I had a helpful answer to why we do this, but I don’t… Let me know if you find the answer! Hugs xx

    • If I ever figure it out you will be the first to know. :S :(

      That’s the biggest problem, I didn’t enjoy the foods I have been eating either! Whaaat is our problem? Bah.

      I’m glad you are coming out of it. I am happy I set a solid date, that works with my mental-ness (It’s a Monday and the first of the month… I hate starting things halfway through the week, I don’t know why.)

      We can do it honey, we did it before. I hate struggling like this. xoxo

  2. You are human! Before this mental health break you were being SUPER human, how long did you go without cheating? I can’t even make it a day without cheating. I think you should post some pictures so we can all comment and tell you how awesome you do still look – you can’t possibly have gained THAT much weight in a couple of weeks! It’s your mind playing tricks on you. I support your break and am looking forward to the motivation I was getting from you hearing your heroing stories of workouts with a migrane and everything else you’ve been through come Oct. 1. You’re tough!!! You can do it!

    • :) Thank you, this put a giant smile on my face.

      The first time I did Dukan I did not cheat a single time within the 8 months I followed it. Christmas, Thanksgiving, all of my families birthdays… all happened within this time. I did not have a single bite of cheat, nor did I drink any alcohol.

      I took a month of leave from the Dukan Diet and tried a bodybuilder diet where I was cheating, but then back on Dukan for an entire month without cheating again. So when I put my mind to it… I just don’t cheat. I guess I’m all in or all out. :S

      :) Thank you, and you can do it too Tammi! Really! No cheating, just do it a day at a time. xoxo

  3. You are not weak only human, count every victory no matter how small. You have over come huge obstacles that others have faced and failed. You are inspiring and beautiful, keep faith in yourself and don’t lose sight of your goal. I’m counting on you and you are needed. Stay strong virtual friend :)

    • Thank you. :)
      Like really, thank you so much for this comment.

      I promise, I will enjoy my time until October 1st and then it’s back to it and this time I mean it! I have made the decision and I’m sticking with it. I will be back Monday. Thank you.

  4. You will get back on track and moving to your own place will be a great start. Don’t hammer yourself so badly ( I probably would do the same thing) but just pick up and start again. You are STILL far ahead of where you once were! Take care of yourself too…

  5. You are very young, and I wonder when you first became overweight? Could there be some connection between being back iin your parents house that may have triggered an eating response?

    • Ooh… that is a good question. I know both my sister and I have made mention that we really do binge eat at my parents house. Something my sister said yesterday was ‘I hate peanut butter and jam… but at mom and dads, I could eat a thousand peanut butter jam sandwhiches.’

      I think you might be onto something… which sucks since I am there for another month. I don’t want there to be a corelation between the two…

      I am 21 years old, and I always felt big and bigger than the other girls, although when I look back at pictures of myself… I was crazy to think that I was fat.
      I gained the bulk of my weight after highschool in the two years I was moved out, but I did struggle with binge eating throughout my last two years of highschool.

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