That’s what I keep calling what I’m doing… this is brutal to try and explain to the majority of you who are so successful in your dieting or trying to be and struggling… but I have taken a mental health break.
Living at my parents, with no access to my things, finally found an apartment close to my work that I can afford. Pushed back my competition date to the spring and over a year of dieting strictly I guess had taken their toll? I was so easily irritable, snapping at everyone and when I cheated… I cheated hard. I was so down on myself, full of guilt. Then the transition from Cruise to Consolidation was so sudden.
I didn’t know what to do.
So I decided to give myself a mental health break. 2 weeks and 2 days of it. I kept telling myself “today I am back on track, following Dukan… I can do it” but then my sisters birthday would come up, or friends whom I haven’t been able to hang out with much would invite me out and I would get off. Kept pushing it next day… okay tomorrow… OKAY TOMORROW THIS TIME FOR REAL!
The thing is, I wasn’t enjoying treating myself to restaurant meals or homemade meals with my family because I was constantly putting my actions down. So I said to myself (with the direction of a friend of mine) that I was going to start over October 1st. I will hit the gym, I will get back onto dieting Monday October 1st, no excuses, and no cheating.
Well… I made the decision and have since just eaten what I want when I want it.
Bad decision on my part… absolutely horrible decision. I am afraid of weighing myself because I feel MASSIVE. I feel OBESE… I barely fit in any of my clothing, I have headaches, I have a tummy roll… where my almost abs used to be… my muscles do not show even a little… I feel self-conscious and have NO confidence. I am supposed to go out this weekend and I am so petrified… I know I wont feel amazing and sexy like the last time I went out. I haven’t taken a picture of myself all week, I feel so disgusted.
I am dissapointed, I feel hideous.
I keep telling myself, as of October 1st I will be skinny and hot again… just need to put off seeing anyone until then… but I know it will take twice as long to lose the weight than it took to put it on. Ugh.
So that’s where I am at, my headspace, my bad decision making.
I’m still alive… just ashamed to blog. But you know what, we are not all perfect. ;) I will be back busting my butt on Monday. I feel so stupid saying that… why can’t I start tomorrow? Right now even! It’s so embarassing to say but I have really clinged onto the idea of these next few days in my mind.
So going to try and avoid the guilt, I’m just going to do this and then be on my way. Back to the gym (which I have really missed…) back to dieting. No excuses and just nothing… Will do a proper weigh in Monday morning, with measurements and underwear photos.
I have been looking at bodybuilders non-stop since taking this mental health break… I want to look like all of them so badly. Ugh.
Love you guys! Keep making good choices, please! Make good ones for me too! MONDAY OCTOBER 1st! I AM SORRY I AM SO WEAK! :(