Well Then… (Breaking Point)

The scale… punched me in the face this morning.

No really, it punched me in the face.

It said… I know you have been making bad decisions lately… here… let me reflect that… by punching you in the face.

180.2lbs… I have not weighed this much in over a year.

Also, the next person to tell me it’s muscle might also get punched in the face. I am not in a good mood ladies and gentlemen. Noooot in a good mood.

You know how I know it’s not muscle? My clothes are tight, my hair is greasy… I have acne and my boobs are popping out of all my bras, I can’t fit in my tight jeans anymore. I pass by mirrors and when I do catch a glimpse of myself… my mood is DRASTICALLY altered. And by altered I mean shot to Hell.

Well… I went to the gym today. I was kindof in a bad mood and wanted to see if pushing through a weight training session would help perk me up. As soon as I saw a few people who I would always see at the gym… I felt so judged I couldn’t bring myself to workout and… I left.

On my way home I got a text from a really good girlfriend of mine, ended up stopping by her place and talked to her about the Dukan Diet. While I was talking about the diet… I don’t know how to explain it but it sounded so easy. I know the diet inside and out, I could answer all her questions… I know how to lose weight.

I kept thinking, any idiot can follow this diet and be successful. Why in the world am I having so much trouble with it?! I can’t be an idiot… can I? I made it work before… and then again! Why do I keep giving up?! I am no idiot!!!

Well life, life keeps happening. Stress, bodybuilding… This is all so stupid. I feel fat, I feel gross, oily, I hate my boobs. I know this is a weird thing… but I really really hate them right now. Like a lot.

I don’t feel sexy… I don’t feel attractive, or cute, or hot. I did 3 weeks ago! But then I made stupid decision after stupid decision… and gained 30lbs… and now I don’t. Like even a little.

So I sat down and wrote time goals as well as weight goals. They are as follows:

TIMED GOALS

  1. One entire day with no cheating
  2. Get through a weekend with no cheating
  3. 7 days no cheating (Tues Oct 16th)
  4. Skip out on planned cheat October 16th
  5. 2 weeks with no cheating
  6. 21 days to make a habit (30th October)
  7. A month of dieting (10th November)
  8. 8 Weeks of dieting
  9. No cheating on Christmas
  10. 12 weeks of dieting (January 1st)

WEIGHT GOALS

  1. Get under 180lbs
  2. 175lbs
  3. 170lbs
  4. 160lbs
  5. Lose 30lbs
  6. 152.0lbs!!!
  7. 150lbs
  8. 145lbs
  9. 140lbs
  10. 135lbs

Current Weight: 180.2lbs
Goal Weight 130lbs

I wrote out a little thought in my weight journal:

Skinny Skinny SKINNY!

Think about your collarbones, the tiny waist.

About wearing that dress with a flat stomach. Think about everyone staring at how small your legs had gotten.

Think about that guy at the gym noticing your weight loss and about your MUSCLES showing!!! Back pictures, and how SEXY you felt. Think about the comments, about being an inspiration. Jar of hearts and running, jumping, feeling amazing and above all else… SEXY.

Think about no more chin lines, and your confidence. You can do it.

I think I can lose 15lbs before I move into my new appartment. I think by January 1st (12 weeks away) I can lose almost 30lbs and be almost back to a weight I am comfortable at.

I want to not feel self conscious at the gym and in my vest at work. I want to stop being judged for my weight gain and feel happy again.

I told myself while I was eating out at restaurants and cheating… that I was happy because I was eating “like a normal person”. Absolute bullshit. I was not happy. Eating healthily, being sexy makes me happy. :(

I am glad I caught myself before I had gained ALL the weight back.

I started off well by denying myself cookies and the muffin on the counter today when I got home from the ‘gym’ and my friend’s house. NO MORE. It stops now! This is the first step to getting my LIFE BACK! UUUUUUGHHHHH.

xoxo

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22 thoughts on “Well Then… (Breaking Point)

    • This is probably the last thing that you will want to hear but I can hear your pain in your post, and I can totally empathise because I used to be there… read or listen to Geneen Roth’s “Women, Food and God.” Until you learn to work through the feelings behind the feelings that make you eat enough to gain 30 lbs in 21 days, this fight will be ongoing for the rest of your life. It took me years of struggling to finally believe that there is no hope in diets. If you don’t change on the inside, your body will not stay permanently changed either. This is meant to be encouraging, so I hope you can hear that – there is a way out of fighting with your weight!! Best wishes, Anna.

      • This is something my dad told me yesterday as well. :S

        This is a battle I fear I might have with food for the rest of my life. My dad told me I need to fix the inside or I will keep bouncing back and bingeing.

        So stressful. -.- I don’t even know where to start, but I will take a looksie at that book. Thank you for the information!

  1. i really feel your pain 30 pound’s is extreme!!!!!! just stay strong and start right now! u deserve so much better then feeling this way.

    Good luck and i hope you can get through this stage.

    CHIN UP!

  2. I feel for you hun, I have been doing the exact same thing lately. The intial part of the diet seemed so easy but once you fall of it is so hard to get back on!! I say go back to the way you used to do it!!! Start with a few days of attack then cruise, drink plenty of water and weigh yourself everyday. It worked in the past so why change it :) Hopefully we can both find the strength and willpower to make it work :)

  3. To be honest, it isn’t hard to get back on after you’ve fallen off. This is the most forgiving diet I’ve ever encountered! I agree, you have to work on the emotional side, bit a lot of the emotional side comes from being fat.
    Constance… Go back to the basics… Forget about lifting and do this:
    1. 4 days PP then interval PP/PV days
    2. Weigh everyday
    3. TAKE THAT OAT BRAN or as I did, change to flaxseed meal… Same nutritional values and yummier!
    4. 3 liters water everyday
    5. WALK… Just WALK 30 minutes a day… Nothing else.
    Easy, peasy… Do it for YOU… Back to the simple basics of Dukan, but you have to do very single one of the basics. Forget about the rest.
    And hug yourself from me xoxoxo

  4. I agree with Sandi, back to basics. It’s hard doing a full bodybuilding workout on a strict Dukan diet on PP days, you may only be able to do heavy-duty workouts on PV days. Also, it’s possible that you overtrained. Rest days (including rest days from cardio) are there for a reason! Concentrate on the diet only for a week or two, then try to add additional exercise. I’m still trying to get back on the wagon myself, and it’s hard to remake the habits we had before. You can do it!

    • Oh Veera, you can get back on. Look, I have already almost finished one day of no cheating… THAT MEANS YOU CAN! You are way strong and strong willed. I believe in you like MAD.

      I am thinking I will take your advice. I want to lose weight by diet alone, until I am at a place where mentally I can face the gym again. I feel judged for my weight gain and although noone probably cares… I do.

      Then it’ll be once every couple days or one day on one day off. No need to go crazy and no need to feel guilt when I miss a day. Just ease into it. :) xo

  5. It occurs to me that you keep moving the goal post before you ever really start playing in the game.

    While I’m far from a sports fan – these kind of analogies works.

    Instead of only trying to score touchdowns everyday – just try to gain a few yards.

    Sure it’s nice to have goals & something to aim for…but even the dudes that climb Mt. Everest get acclimated at each base camp spaced at various intervals along the route instead of just marching straight up the side of the mountain. If they didn’t – they would surely perish.

    I have lost & have easily maintained my weight loss (about 50 lbs) with Dukan for going on 2 years now. I do so by thinking only in 5 day intervals. It’s been my way of maintaining the location of the goal posts. Even though I’ve reached my goal…the goalpost is still in the same location.

    • Thank you Jane, you are right. No need to think too far ahead. Oh and btw… CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS AND MAINTENANCE! OMG!!! :)

      I love hearing stories like that, it really REALLY just… keeps me going. You are an inspiration! It can be done! You must feel amazing.

      I am just looking at that final picture… I need to savor the journey, and take every day as it is. Looking at it 5 days at a time is a great GREAT idea. Thank you! xo

  6. Constance, I agree that it not plausible that you gained 30# of muscle in a month. If you do not know how to assess your lean muscle to fat ratios I will be happy to walk you through it…However, that is for a bit later.

    Life is tricky, poop happens….Moving is on the TOP THREE all time life stressors, not to mention relationship stress. You’ve got some great feedback here to get back to basics. I’ll join that train. Keep it simple, keep focused.

    You can do this, as you have done. But keep in mind that when you are on a VLC diet such as Dukan, going back on carbs can be devastating, as you are experiencing. Put yourself first, and take the baby steps that will bring you back into line. I don’t know if you were just overloading w/ carbs or if your total energy balance was overloaded….either way, you need to come back into balance and you will.

    xo
    *anna

    • Do I need a special machine to assess my lean muscle to fat ratios?
      Moving and relationship stress, there we go. Story of my life. -.- I can’t wait for November 1st to be gone and done and over with and just to be settled. Ugh.

      I can’t wait to cook again either, I have an itch. I want to try out new recipes!

      I will take your advice dear. Life will balance itself out eventually. One day at a time! :) xo

      • Constance you can find the metrics on the www. Right now I’m using dd’s laptop and I don’t quite know how to open more than one window ( :( ) but if you google “Navy Formula” you will be able to plug in three measurements Neck, waist, hips and it will give a body fat percentage. Next if you want the breakdown of lean/fat google “Katch McArdle Formula” for this metric you will need your body fat percentage (from Navy) and your current weight. Katch/McA will then give you a total breakdown of your lean mass, fat mass, as well as your basal metabolic rate which determines how many calories to eat in a given day to stay at your current place. That metric also formulates a variety (25%–15% and so forth) of possible caloric deficits and requisite energy expenditures to help determine the best daily intake of calories (TDEE). Hope that helps. So glad you are feeling like yourself again.
        Before you know it you’ll be in your own space cooking up a storm!
        *anna

  7. I’m not going to tell you or suggest to you what you need to do becasue from reading your posts…you know exactly what to do! You’ve done it before and you’re going to do it again. You’ve got a goal so keep it in sight.
    I love food too but my goal keeps me in perspective.
    Greatest of luck!

  8. Thank you SO much for liking my post “30DS & Knee Strengthening”. Because you did, I found your blog and this post. I’m in the same place. I’ve lost and gained back. I’ve fooled myself into thinking I was happy eating “normally” and the past few days? I’ve been eating candy at work and fudge at home and not logging a bite of it. On top of that, I’ve skipped two days of workouts. Today I’m updating my food logs to get real with myself and getting in my workout and a good, long walk through the hills of my neighborhood. We can do this!! Healthy DOES feel so much better. There’s no shame in healthy and I’m so very tired of the shame.

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