The scale… punched me in the face this morning.
No really, it punched me in the face.
It said… I know you have been making bad decisions lately… here… let me reflect that… by punching you in the face.
180.2lbs… I have not weighed this much in over a year.
Also, the next person to tell me it’s muscle might also get punched in the face. I am not in a good mood ladies and gentlemen. Noooot in a good mood.
You know how I know it’s not muscle? My clothes are tight, my hair is greasy… I have acne and my boobs are popping out of all my bras, I can’t fit in my tight jeans anymore. I pass by mirrors and when I do catch a glimpse of myself… my mood is DRASTICALLY altered. And by altered I mean shot to Hell.
Well… I went to the gym today. I was kindof in a bad mood and wanted to see if pushing through a weight training session would help perk me up. As soon as I saw a few people who I would always see at the gym… I felt so judged I couldn’t bring myself to workout and… I left.
On my way home I got a text from a really good girlfriend of mine, ended up stopping by her place and talked to her about the Dukan Diet. While I was talking about the diet… I don’t know how to explain it but it sounded so easy. I know the diet inside and out, I could answer all her questions… I know how to lose weight.
I kept thinking, any idiot can follow this diet and be successful. Why in the world am I having so much trouble with it?! I can’t be an idiot… can I? I made it work before… and then again! Why do I keep giving up?! I am no idiot!!!
Well life, life keeps happening. Stress, bodybuilding… This is all so stupid. I feel fat, I feel gross, oily, I hate my boobs. I know this is a weird thing… but I really really hate them right now. Like a lot.
I don’t feel sexy… I don’t feel attractive, or cute, or hot. I did 3 weeks ago! But then I made stupid decision after stupid decision… and gained 30lbs… and now I don’t. Like even a little.
So I sat down and wrote time goals as well as weight goals. They are as follows:
- One entire day with no cheating
- Get through a weekend with no cheating
- 7 days no cheating (Tues Oct 16th)
- Skip out on planned cheat October 16th
- 2 weeks with no cheating
- 21 days to make a habit (30th October)
- A month of dieting (10th November)
- 8 Weeks of dieting
- No cheating on Christmas
- 12 weeks of dieting (January 1st)
- Get under 180lbs
- Lose 30lbs
Current Weight: 180.2lbs
Goal Weight 130lbs
I wrote out a little thought in my weight journal:
Skinny Skinny SKINNY!
Think about your collarbones, the tiny waist.
About wearing that dress with a flat stomach. Think about everyone staring at how small your legs had gotten.
Think about that guy at the gym noticing your weight loss and about your MUSCLES showing!!! Back pictures, and how SEXY you felt. Think about the comments, about being an inspiration. Jar of hearts and running, jumping, feeling amazing and above all else… SEXY.
Think about no more chin lines, and your confidence. You can do it.
I think I can lose 15lbs before I move into my new appartment. I think by January 1st (12 weeks away) I can lose almost 30lbs and be almost back to a weight I am comfortable at.
I want to not feel self conscious at the gym and in my vest at work. I want to stop being judged for my weight gain and feel happy again.
I told myself while I was eating out at restaurants and cheating… that I was happy because I was eating “like a normal person”. Absolute bullshit. I was not happy. Eating healthily, being sexy makes me happy. :(
I am glad I caught myself before I had gained ALL the weight back.
I started off well by denying myself cookies and the muffin on the counter today when I got home from the ‘gym’ and my friend’s house. NO MORE. It stops now! This is the first step to getting my LIFE BACK! UUUUUUGHHHHH.