Day 12

Oookie dokie.

Hey you guys!

Well first off… all of you who placed bets, go do whatever you bet. I have no better way to say it but I gained 3lbs, not lose 6lbs… not 4lbs… I gained.

I didn’t cheat though! A few things I have to explain…

Well first off… I don’t have access to internet anymore. Prawn sold his laptop and not only can I absolutely not afford one… but we can’t even afford internet at my new apartment until we figure out how much hydro is going to be a month (I have a feeling it’s going to cost an arm AND a leg to heat this place… no insulation… but I don’t want to whine about my living situation, so let’s continue onward…)

So I came home to my parents (for the first time all month…) to type up my Challenge Results post for the week and get some needed computer stuff out of the way.

A new stressor in my life?

I lost my licence!

Yaaaaay…

I am not sure how it works where you guys are but our drivers licences go as follow:

G1 – Written test, can drive with someone as a passenger who has more than 4 years driving experience. Cannot drive alone.

G2 – Driven test. Can drive alone, a few other rules but I wont get into them.

Full G Licence – Driven test. Can drive alone, don’t need to renew until in old age.

So… you have one year after you get your G2 to apply for your G, take the test and then… well have your G licence. If you do not take your G test, you start at 0.

Well, with the moving, the weight gain, the competition, the stress of work and everything in my life… I put off getting my G licence… and would you look at that it expired on Monday.

Kill me.

So, this is what happened with regards to my diet until Monday: Alllllll week I didn’t weigh myself which as you all know, caused me a lot of anxiety. On Sunday night I saw those DAMN bagels, Prawn said he wanted McDonalds (but didn’t get any) and with all the stress of returning to work on Monday, coupled with the licence renewal I knew at that point there was no way I could do on time… which I was pushing to the faaaar back of my mind… and this depression I have been in since September…

I was so depressed on Sunday, in fact, that I didn’t answer any phone calls, any texts, I didn’t go on the internet, I didn’t take any pictures… I lied in front of the TV and watched not 3 or 4… but 5 movies. That’s all I did all day.

Anyways I didn’t cheat! I just ate a LOT of chicken breasts and fish. I stuffed myself from post-supper to right before bed.

I weighed myself (FINALLY) on Monday morning and broke down into tears. Ran into Prawns room just bawling, I gained 3lbs from last Monday.

In a week, a week of doing so well, with 2 slip ups, of eating too much meat… well once I ate extra oat bran… but you know? I did so well all week and I was PRAYING that even with my Sunday binge… that it was allowed foods and I would be spared?

Nope. A 3 FREAKING POUND GAIN… I waited all week to weigh myself for THAT.

So I have decided that I will weigh myself every day again…

So all Monday, I was depressed. Even more so than I usually am. I couldn’t concentrate. I was sad. The work day went by and I ate well, but I had already decided I would cheat. I mean, if I had just ate a bagel instead of 6-7 chicken breasts… I wouldn’t have gained those 3lbs. Although the bagel would have probably ended up in a carb-binge instead of a protein one… just a bagel would have done less damage, caloric-ly. And I was furious with myself and just… at the world.

So, I bought a bottle of red wine, got a frozen lazagna, cake, ice cream, and mozzarella sticks and ate in with Prawn.

Such a bad idea, not only did I stuff myself and end up totally binge-eating… but I got really drunk and ended up crying to him uncontrollably before bed. I didn’t even remember that this morning, I just know that he’s in a bad mood right now and told me about that…

I just never ever EVER drink… so when I do I guess it hits me hard. Or maybe it was because it was red wine?

Anyways I threw up all night, I woke up feeling sick-as-can-be.

I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, I had coffee for lunch and a protein shake for my 2:45pm meal.

I wasn’t even hungry for dinner, but I forced myself to eat a chicken breast with butternut squash on the side.

I will not be eating between now and bedtime.

I will weigh myself tomorrow and get back to my regular, strict-Dukan eats then. Oh, did I mention, I’m weighing myself tomorrow! And you can’t stop me neener-neener.

So… that’s it I guess. My parents loaned me a mini-laptop… Hopefully I can type some posts up and steal somebody’s wifi to post it for you guys to let you know what’s up. Just be aware that I cheated on Monday and I’m not letting it bring me down. I’m not allowing my habits to swirl like they always have in the past.

Because what I have been saying the past few posts is absolutely 100% true. I am focused, I am strong, I am here, working hard towards my goals. Although this Mondays weigh in didn’t reflect that, and me going out and getting sick certainly didn’t cement my own belief in myself… I know that this time I am doing it for reals. No more restarts. This isn’t a restart, it’s a hiccup  and I have absolutely not lost my drive.

xoxo

Place Your Bets! Fun Post. :P

I know I have been whining a lot about only weighing in one day a week, then last night I had a eureka moment when a friend of mine posted in a… I don’t know how to explain it properly…

You know when someone is pregnant and people place ‘bets’ on the day of birth, weight, gender? All that kind of stuff?

You know what will get me through the weekend of not weighing myself? Do you guys want to “Guess the Weight Loss”? :D

So, I have been doing ridiculously well with the dieting, other than last night where I didn’t cheat, not even with extra yogurt… I just took full advantage of that whole unlimited meat thing and ate a few extra servings of steak and an extra chicken breast and some more cauliflower.

I don’t know what came over me. I just kept looking at the jalapeno poppers Prawn and his friend were planning on eating, and they were drinking and all I wanted was red wine and cuddling and then I got up and made myself more steak. Then I got up and heated up fish with cauliflower ‘rice’ and then I got up again for more steak AND chicken breasts.

And maybe I also ate a second gallette for my day. :/ Okay so I did actually cheat.

Damnit.

So today as ‘punishment’ (I don’t really believe in punishing yourself when you have a bad food-day) I have decided to write out a food plan and stick to it and I HAAAATE writing out food journals, tracking calories… that kind of stuff. I am organised but not THAT kind of organised…

So, sticking to the plan, going to have an excellent day. No more slip ups! Even if it’s just extra portions of allowed foods! Although I am happy I stayed away from the Chinese food and pizza I had been craving all day, as well as those poppers, the chips in my house and those DAMN BAGELS!!!

So, a mini success. I don’t want to justify it to myself as a good choice because it was NOT but I know myself and I am aware that in the grand scheme of things, resisting going out to Tim Hortons for donuts with the boys last night… was huge for me. Especially considering how early in the diet-game I am.

SO, yes I had a could-have-been-better day yesterday but I am totally recommitted. I didn’t end up working out last night but tonight I am 100%, I made a date with a friend at the gym to keep me accountable and I will also be working out on Sunday. All weight training though, no cardio.

So… how much weight do you think I will lose this week?

RULES

You might notice below that I posted I would do half an hour of stairs if I lose my bet. You don’t need to bet something physical, maybe just something you have been putting off or nothing. Yes, you can bet nothing. :P It’s totally fine.

Just comment on this post how much weight you think I will lose! It’s fun and it’ll get me off that scale… also it will get me to work harder! I’m sure of it. ;)

Also, you CAN bet the same thing as someone else. No big deal. Have fun with this!

Good luck!

RELEVANT INFORMATION

Monday the 19th Weight: 167.8
Lowest Weight: 151.8 (Mid September 2012)
Monday the 26th Weight: ?!?!?!

Age: 21
Back On Diet: A week as of Friday (tomorrow)

BETS

Constance (dats me!) bets half an hour of stairs that I will lose at least 6lbs this week!

Lori V bets one week of not weighing herself that I will lose 3lbs!

Matthew bets one week following Dukan with absolutely no cheating (not a bite!) that I will lose 8lbs.

Angel bets a hardcore 4pm bootcamp session that I will lose 4lbs!

*****

Make great choices today! Work hard!

xoxo

Day 6

Hello Constance, welcome to day 6 of dieting!

As if as of tomorrow it’ll be almost a week back on… I want to weigh myself! I honestly woke up, bee-lined for the scale this morning and then drank a giant glass of water to prevent myself from weighing myself.

This is bad. I feel like a heroin addict must feel! Or someone who deletes their Facebook!

I keep thinking, well I GOTSTA weigh myself tomorrow! It’ll have been a week back on!

NO! CONSTANCE BE STRONG!

Would you believe I am struggling more with the idea that I have no idea how much weigh I’ve lost than with my eating, cheating, and overeating? LMAO. Last night I visited a friend and we made arts and crafts with Popsicle sticks and talked. Would you believe it was so nice? Drinking tea, just hanging out.

It’s weird… when I think of being with my family, I generally associate them with food. Birthdays, Holidays… food.

All of my other friends I also associate with food. Well food or alcohol, and there is almost always food around when I hangout with… well anyone!

This friend is totally different. We watch movies, go on bike rides, 4-wheeling, arts and crafts, on Saturday we are going shopping, and I never feel compelled to cheat around him, and we rarely if ever do anything food-related. Just tea.

It’s a nice change. I ADORE my friends to TEARS but what are pub nights, even ceilis have the food served at the end (ceilis are big Irish dancing things I go to once a month), drinking with friends, if it’s at a bar there are generally nachos served, hanging out at friends houses with chips and booze…

I have no problem avoiding eating these things, it’s just kindof refreshing not having to think about it at all. Even work… we are having a Christmas party on the 6th and it’s at a really nice restaurant and I’ve been stressing about it a little…

Actually you know what, he isn’t my only friend where my interactions don’t revolve around food. I do have a few… I can only think of one right now but anyways…

So, I sat Prawn down when I decided I was starting the Dukan Diet for good this time (last Friday) and (I’m not sure if I told you guys this actually…) he asked me if we could be partners again. Dieting partners.

So I told him that although I didn’t want us to rely on each other for our dieting, I would love to do the Dukan Diet with him. We talked about how unhappy we are with our weight gain, how confident we felt when we were thinner.

We talked about how we both hate how our clothes feel tighter, and he explained to me that he wasn’t happy I said I didn’t want to diet with him.

Which started a bit of an argument… since all I said was I didn’t want us to be dependant on each other, that way neither of us could sabotage the others efforts. In the end he told me he understood what I was trying to say and that once again, he would love to diet with me, lose weight together, and be happy again.

Well I am glad I decided to diet on my own you guys. -.- I am REALLY disappointed to be honest but Prawn hasn’t had a day without cheating once. In fact, he went to his parents and pigged out and brought home baegals (oh wait… I totally have told you guys this already… I just remembered I wasn’t entirely sure how to spell baegals but I posted anyways. XD) I do have new information though.

Last night I came home to nachos having been made and 3 bags of chips. He had friends over and I guess they ate at the apartment… The half empty (mostly empty) bags are still on the kitchen table. I’m having a hard time moving them and I told Prawn to deal with it. I hope when I go home on my lunch that they are gone.

Still baegals in the fridge, and margarine… and I totally want to eat them but I wont.

It’s just disappointing. I thought we were going to do this together. The other day after he cheated I asked if he felt good having cheated, and if it was worthit.

He was obviously embarrassed and after avoiding the conversation for a bit informed me that ‘he had made good decisions all day’…

I said, yeah but that doesn’t make it okay to overeat later and stray from the diet. All of a sudden you have broken your day of eating right all day… right?

He said, ‘no I made good decisions all day, including the baegal.’

So I don’t understand. When you know something works if you don’t stray and cheat, and you know the results you COULD be having if you don’t eat that baegal… why do we eat the baegal, and then justify it as ‘not that bad of a decision’ or GAWED forbid… a good one?

xoxo

Day 5

Chatting with a friend last night about this weeks weight loss was eye opening. How come I know so many wise people? I simply don’t understand it.

I was telling him that I was doing really well, feeling successful and that I didn’t have any cravings. I feel focused and happy.

He texted me back: “Awesome, no need for that to change :P’”

Omg he is totally right.

There is no need for it to change… why does it keep changing? Whenever I restart my dieting and try to regain focus I always do the same thing… I start off saying that I am focused and have no cravings. This lasts anywhere from a few hours to a little over a month (in my most recent experience) and then when I do end up cheating… well why? Because all of a sudden I have cravings and am no longer focused?

Well… he’s right. There is no need for my positive attitude to change! Why in the world would it change?

What circumstances change my drive, the cravings… I generally have the same temptations around me… it’s all about my headspace but I SHOULDN’T allow that to change! I can keep being successful, as long as I don’t change my attitude.

This is another plus of really trying to do this diet thing one day at a time. Just focusing on today. I mean today is day 5 back on and it feels like day one because today is the only day that matters. Sure, I have not cheated since Friday… and that’s awesome. Just gotta keep focused and stay POSITIVE! :) Time goes by, in fact, it FLIES by… before I know it I’ll be a few months back on track, I’ll hit my target weight and have regained that confidence and sexy-body I thought was lost forever. ;)

Otherwise I did SUPER good last night. You have no idea. Usually dinner-time onward is my kryptonite. I eat extra food and a gallette or I full out cheat. I am really bad at this. Generally when I cheat it’s after work.

Well, not only did I stick with a steak (and dats it) but I drank some tea and avoided food for the entire rest of the evening! Even when Prawn hid in the kitchen to eat baegals and whatever other junk he was eating. I could hear him… I could hear the little voice inside me asking to have a baegal… or eating more steak or a gallette or ANYTHING and I shot it down.

It was hard, like brutal. But I totally did it. So far food today has been great as well. I’m on a roll!

Oh, and not weighing myself everyday is KILLING ME. I guess I’m curious and since I know I’m doing EVERYTHING right… I feel like it’s dropping. But I want the proof!

And it’s only Tuesday!!! I still have almost the entire rest of the week to not weigh myself. This is going to be hard!

Have a great day! Make good choices, also, Challenge results are up!

xoxo

Day 4 – Doing Well So Far! :)

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while should know by now my obsession with weighing myself everyday.

When I was around 270lbs I never weighed myself, or rather, rarely. As of June 10th 2011 I have weighed myself every single day. I even got to the point where I was bringing my scale with me on vacations and trips, even out of the country!

Yes, when I know I am doing poorly with my diet I might skip a day here and there, but in almost a year and a half, every single day? It’s become an obsession.

You CAN weigh yourself everyday! As long as you don’t let the scale affect your mood. Which unfortunately (not for lack of trying) I could never get under control.

So along with my new ‘take it a day at a time’ mantra, I have successfully avoided weighing myself since Friday. Today is Monday of course so I weighed myself for my Challenge and I was pleasantly surprised with a 5.2lbs loss since Monday and almost 8lbs loss from my Friday morning weight, which was the day I decided to get back on Dukan… FOR GOOD.

I haven’t only made the decision to get back on the wagon, I have also made the decision, as pointed out in my last post, to drop all the bad diet-habits I have picked up along this journey, this year and a half long journey, and to get back into a solid routine.

It hasn’t been too difficult so far and I am happy with my progress. In fact, I am finally down to my Challenge start weight! Yep, 5 weeks ago I weighed .2lbs heavier than I do currently. That’s so disappointing to me. I could be so much further along if I had started earlier. But I don’t want to linger on that thought, I am back now, that is what matters.

I know, it’s only been 3 days back on track, but it’s weird, I feel like I have a totally different mentality this time around. I am not dreading meals, I am resisting extra allowed-food when I’m not hungry and late-night snacks.

I have not bought any dairy, we all know how that derails me. Greek yogurt becomes my comfort food. Maybe I’ll save it for family events and it’ll be a real treat!

Otherwise I am feeling happier. I had an on-again off-again weekend but I did workout. Just one more day this week and I’ll have completed my exercise goal. I’m thinking of doing it Wednesday, but we will see. I have until Sunday to pick a date and go.

So I’m happy. I have not bought any ‘treat’ Dukan-food. Just eating my gallette and fish. I am waiting on a friend to give me back my Dukan Diet Book… I want to make butternut squash soup more than I want my next breath. Too delicious and it’s getting cold enough that I feel like I will really enjoy it.

Ahhh. I’m in a good place right now I think.

xoxo

THIS TIME!…

Today I had lunch with my grandmaman and she really opened my eyes about a few things.

One of which was the question I have been asking myself since mid-way through August… why, when the first time I followed Dukan I did not cheat a single bite, not a single time, through the hardest times of my life (up to that point). I followed the diet strictly and was so successful… well why after all that is getting back on the wagon so difficult! So, incredibly hard.

This is something you guys have talked to me about in abundance. Getting back on the wagon seems so impossible, when you did SO WELL the first time. Why is that?

Well, my grandmaman, wise beyond her years has cleared up this mystery (for myself at least) with a story.

I am not sure if you know about Curves, but my grandmaman works out there and is fast approaching 1000 workouts. Yep, 1000. Blows my mind.

Anyways, the other day a lady pointed out to my grandmaman that her form wasn’t all that perfect, she had started crossing her legs when doing a certain machine and yes, had picked up a bad habit by slacking a little.

Over time her good habit slipped a little, she allowed herself to cross her legs and there you go.

She worded it way better but you see… it’s totally true when it comes to my dieting. Over time (I have been on (and off and on…) Dukan for almost a year and a half now and I have picked up bad habits and let some of my strict-ness slip along the way.

I mean, I remember when I first followed Dukan I would never even have a bite of anything not allowed. I would say no to dressings and sauces on my meat for instance. I would be INCREDIBLY picky in restaurants asking the waiter a billion times ‘No butter, no sauce, nothing right? Are you sure? Please make 100% sure, thanks.’

Well this is something that has slipped! I would rather just not go out than put myself out like that… but of course going out is inevitable so what do I do? Cheat!

BAD.

I saw my good habits slipping by the end of my first round of Dukan, which is why the last 20lbs came off so slowly.

I would overindulge in yogurt, amongst other things that are specified in his book as limited. I would justify, gain weight, get upset… but I have always had noone to blame but myself. It’s hard to realise and come to terms with. I sabotage myself and that’s a habit I need to drop, right now.

Well enough is enough. No more half-assed starts. No more back of my mind doubts or ‘Well if this situation rises… then I’ll cheat’. Hey what am I? Weak?

No more coming down on myself for my mistakes. No more letting food, and especially bad, unhealthy, processed food… control my life. Am I right?

A few things I am doing differently THIS time around, not putting too much focus on working out, especially not as hard as I was going. But I will be scheduling myself in for a 2 hour full body weight training session one day a week with no excuses. Just one day a week to start.

I will continue to drink my water, since I have been doing so well at this and I will cut out dairy (since as we all know, little Ms over here is an incredibly all in or all out person…)

I will continue to eat my galette in the morning, and I will be as strict as I was the first time. This is the first time!

Also, at my grandmamans suggestion (another genius one) I will be thinking ONE DAY AT A TIME. I know many of you have told me to do this and this time… I’m going to make a serious effort.

No more long-term ‘I will not cheat until Christmas’ or ‘I will not cheat for 21 days to make a habit!’

Not even ‘I will not cheat for an entire week!’

Just, I will do well today, I will not cheat today, I will not eat after dinner today, I will not give into my cravings today or sabotage myself, I will not manipulate others to get me to cheat or help me eat badly. I will plan my meal for today, stick to it, drink my water today and be good TODAY.

Then do the same exact thing tomorrow.

I will also only weigh myself on Mondays as per my Challenge. No more weighing myself every day and letting the scale determine my mood. If I am eating well I don’t need to double check on the scale to make sure things are dropping smoothly… I know the Dukan Diet totally 100% works (for meeeee) and I know it will work as long as I ACTUALLY DO IT, with no little slips, with just an iron will! It works, I don’t need the scale to tell me that… until Monday. ;)

Seriously… I can feel the eye rolling from over here. Didn’t I say this yesterday? I believe I have been writing up similar posts once or twice a week since mid-August with the promise that THIS TIME I will do it.

I have even gotten into the habit of writing similar paragraphs as the one preceding this one… haven’t I?

Well… THIS TIME! Oh Gawed… I’m doing it again…

I believe in myself and to be honest… you guys… I need to get back on track. I will do it. If you never take that first step, if I never post the ‘THIS TIME I PROMISE YOU GUYS’ then I will never actually stick with it and be successful… how many times did I say ‘THIS TIME’ while dieting at 270lbs… and then finally, I said ‘THIS TIME’ and everyone rolled their eyes and I lost 115lbs in 8 months…

So screw what you think. ;) THIS TIME I WILL DO IT, I PROMISE! I HAVE TO!

Wish me willpower, not that you have to!

xoxo

Good Day, Refocus & Stupid Cycles

Thankfully one day of good food behaviour cancelled out one night of being bad.

Well almost, a 0.2lbs gain. Nothing to cry home about.

I enjoyed my vegetarian day to be honest. I did end up eating a galette and some plain Greek yogurt late at night, I’ll be honest, but I didn’t go overboard. Just one galette and a few spoonfulls of plain with fat free, sugar free jello in it.

Have you ever done this? I got the idea from a reader who suggested protein powder in plain Greek yogurt and I had gone overboard one day (over a year ago I’m sure) buying jello packets. They were on sale and I figured instead of buying the pre-made cups (you are allowed 5 a day on Dukan… the ff and sugar free kind) that I would just make jello.

Also, I figured at parties, I could make my own jello shots and just not mention they were booze-less. Making me stick out less.

Of course, I only did this once (New Years Eve of last year) and noticed that I have about a bilion jello packets… and no patience to actually make jello.

Two things I have been doing, putting a bit of jello powder in my morning galette (turns the pancake whatever color of jello you pick, so maybe bright yellow or bright red) and gives it a yummy sweet taste without having to add any artificial sweeteners (I’m sure the jello has enough aspartame anyways…)

I have also been adding it to Greek yogurt. Not as tasty a substitute as the galette. Still yummy though.

The reason I have switched my Greek yogurt habits, is because there was a time where I was eating 3 tubs of Greek yogurt a day. Starting with fat free (still has LOADS of sugar) and eventually adding in full fat, still tons of sugar… I would go through these tubs like crazy.

Not good, also not very Dukan. I would then gain weight, which is discouraging… Discouraged me almost always leads to binges.

Not good.

So not only does switching to plain Greek yogurt cut down the sugar of my treat by more than half, but since it’s not too delicious, I don’t crave it like I did it’s fruit-flavoured counterpart, meaning I not only don’t spend 15$ a day in yogurt… but I also don’t overeat it and gain weight the next day. Purrrfect.

Anyways, so that’s that. Going to focus tonight. I am having one of my girlfriends over who has lost focus (she lost 30lbs following Dukan… in less than a month. Amaaazing) anyways, she cheated once, and although she has gotten back on the wagon it has really shook her.

So we will refocus, hangout, catchup and have a good, not cheating night. :)

Some of you know that I work inventory and receiving. Well today I was kindof thrown for a loop since I opened a box and woah! BATHING SUITS…

I live in Canada and winter is juuuuust starting here. A little snow here, frost on windows there… only a few weeks until Christmas…

Bathing suits.

I am not bathing suit ready…

I need to step up my game. It really gave me a heart attack, at 21 I should be spending some time in a bikini this summer… not to mention my bikini competition in 2013… what am I doing? What am I waiting for?

Why couldn’t it click like 2-3 weeks ago when I first decided to restart… and by 2-3 weeks ago I mean 5-6 weeks ago… I need to stick with this new lifestyle change. I am sad because I don’t find myself attractive… binge eat… gain weight… omg I’m not attractive… binge eat… gain weight…

It’s a stupid cycle! Yes, not the only thing that makes me binge, but a major contributor.

Am I the stupid one? I need to focus… again. Well I did yesterday, here’s to day 2! :)

Drink your water today, if nothing else, okay?

xoxo