Mad, Mad, Mad (AKA: Fire = Lit)

Ooookay. I think it’s time for me to get over it, get out of this FUNK! Da-yaaaam.

I’m such an all in or all out person. This is absolutely ridiculous.

So, no cheating as of this morning. I have not cheated. I need to do this for both my wallet and my body since binge-eating and eating like crap really affect both in a negative way.

Can I really whine about never finding a man when I continue to hurt my body like this, steadily gaining weight? If I feel confident and happy about my body, wouldn’t that be more attractive then my current, mopey, whiny, soft self. I need to get at it! I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF!

& You know what, I need to get hot, get me some man-candy and rub it in Prawns face, because seriously he is being a ruthless asshole! Get over him, get sexy, AND THEN GET MAN CANDY!

I need me a big-beefy-bodybuilder guy. This is ridiculous. I wont be finding one getting weaker and heavier by the day… Well if I’m doing it to myself I have to stop whining about it! Just gotta get it done!

Okay, okay OKAY, BLEGH I HATE THIS AND I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR… okay I need to let go of the caps…

I am so furious for letting myself fall off the wagon AGAIN… I know so much better. I am so dumb, pigging out NEVER ever has made me feel better.

I have to get hot and get back in the game. DAMN I am so angry!

I am mad at him, I am mad at myself. I can’t believe he thinks he can get away with treating me like this, with giving me attitude and having girls over that are cute, and everyone likes, and are so… top heavy that they could fall over with a slight breeze… makes me feel like shit about my boob-situation… about my body… I can be hot too! :/

Omg I hate this whole situation.

This entire thing just pisses me off.

So tonight is pub night, I was going to order nachos or whatever, but you know what, my pub night friends are so used to me not ordering they wont make it weird. I’ll drink my diet-coke and have a great night regardless of this jerk at home with his cute-date whatever… I wont cheat. I guarantee it. Then I’ll have one cheat-less day under my belt and we all know… it only takes one to start a trend!

& you know what, he is having her over right after I finish work and I’ll have a few hours to spare where it would be awkward for me to be at home… so I need to get out… gym. I will hit the gym, go home, shower and then leave for cheat-less pub night. No cheating, getting in my exercise… I can do this.

OMG can I ever do this.

Thank you for all your comments today. You have lit some kind of fire inside me I guess because I am so pumped for change (finally).

I don’t know what else to say right now. I can’t even think straight. I have so many emotions and thoughts just pouring out of me, it’s messed up, I hate it. Bah. Why am I so confused and hurt and mad and all I want to do is crawl up, watch TV, not speak to anyone… but I can’t since I don’t have the apartment to myself tonight… so I will go out and be social and bust my butt at the gym and maybe buy chicken breasts.

Please stay patient with me, I’ll figure it out eventually.


8 thoughts on “Mad, Mad, Mad (AKA: Fire = Lit)

  1. I realize finances probably dictate why you are living with Prawn, but do whatever you have to…I think you need to be living on your own, or at least not with an ex-boyfriend. Sounds like it’s only going to get worse, not better. DO NOT LET HIM PUSH YOUR BUTTONS…

  2. Oh man…have I ever felt like that…and i didn’t want to just curl up on the couch and watch tv…i wanted to curl up on the couch and watch tv with chinese, and pizza, and cheese and brownies and cookies and…well…you get it….Good luck! And hopefully, this time you’re mad enough to really do it…that’s what it takes for me!

  3. While you figure things out ‘we’ are all in your corner supporting you. you are allowed to feel like this and I know it is incredibly difficult to not take what other say personally, something I struggle with but do what makes YOU happy. Do what make Constance happy. Dont be in a rush to find a man, concentrate on yourself, get your mind focused on your eating and exercise.
    We all have such different body types, I loose weight and my boobs dont get any smaller, and trust me they are larger than the average and as much as I would like them to get a smaller they dont. So not matter what we are never happy.
    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And physical beauty is only skin deep. Whats on the outside can be changed but what is in your heart and your head cant.
    Im thinking and hoping that you feel better and things start looking up.

  4. The short and sweet of it is Prawn is not your friend. He has become one of those fat friends you told us about months ago, and you know what you had to do about them.

    We love you, even if we’ve never met you. Spend time with your newer workout-oriented buddies and others who are supportive of you and your goals NOW.

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