Day 12

Oookie dokie.

Hey you guys!

Well first off… all of you who placed bets, go do whatever you bet. I have no better way to say it but I gained 3lbs, not lose 6lbs… not 4lbs… I gained.

I didn’t cheat though! A few things I have to explain…

Well first off… I don’t have access to internet anymore. Prawn sold his laptop and not only can I absolutely not afford one… but we can’t even afford internet at my new apartment until we figure out how much hydro is going to be a month (I have a feeling it’s going to cost an arm AND a leg to heat this place… no insulation… but I don’t want to whine about my living situation, so let’s continue onward…)

So I came home to my parents (for the first time all month…) to type up my Challenge Results post for the week and get some needed computer stuff out of the way.

A new stressor in my life?

I lost my licence!

Yaaaaay…

I am not sure how it works where you guys are but our drivers licences go as follow:

G1 – Written test, can drive with someone as a passenger who has more than 4 years driving experience. Cannot drive alone.

G2 – Driven test. Can drive alone, a few other rules but I wont get into them.

Full G Licence – Driven test. Can drive alone, don’t need to renew until in old age.

So… you have one year after you get your G2 to apply for your G, take the test and then… well have your G licence. If you do not take your G test, you start at 0.

Well, with the moving, the weight gain, the competition, the stress of work and everything in my life… I put off getting my G licence… and would you look at that it expired on Monday.

Kill me.

So, this is what happened with regards to my diet until Monday: Alllllll week I didn’t weigh myself which as you all know, caused me a lot of anxiety. On Sunday night I saw those DAMN bagels, Prawn said he wanted McDonalds (but didn’t get any) and with all the stress of returning to work on Monday, coupled with the licence renewal I knew at that point there was no way I could do on time… which I was pushing to the faaaar back of my mind… and this depression I have been in since September…

I was so depressed on Sunday, in fact, that I didn’t answer any phone calls, any texts, I didn’t go on the internet, I didn’t take any pictures… I lied in front of the TV and watched not 3 or 4… but 5 movies. That’s all I did all day.

Anyways I didn’t cheat! I just ate a LOT of chicken breasts and fish. I stuffed myself from post-supper to right before bed.

I weighed myself (FINALLY) on Monday morning and broke down into tears. Ran into Prawns room just bawling, I gained 3lbs from last Monday.

In a week, a week of doing so well, with 2 slip ups, of eating too much meat… well once I ate extra oat bran… but you know? I did so well all week and I was PRAYING that even with my Sunday binge… that it was allowed foods and I would be spared?

Nope. A 3 FREAKING POUND GAIN… I waited all week to weigh myself for THAT.

So I have decided that I will weigh myself every day again…

So all Monday, I was depressed. Even more so than I usually am. I couldn’t concentrate. I was sad. The work day went by and I ate well, but I had already decided I would cheat. I mean, if I had just ate a bagel instead of 6-7 chicken breasts… I wouldn’t have gained those 3lbs. Although the bagel would have probably ended up in a carb-binge instead of a protein one… just a bagel would have done less damage, caloric-ly. And I was furious with myself and just… at the world.

So, I bought a bottle of red wine, got a frozen lazagna, cake, ice cream, and mozzarella sticks and ate in with Prawn.

Such a bad idea, not only did I stuff myself and end up totally binge-eating… but I got really drunk and ended up crying to him uncontrollably before bed. I didn’t even remember that this morning, I just know that he’s in a bad mood right now and told me about that…

I just never ever EVER drink… so when I do I guess it hits me hard. Or maybe it was because it was red wine?

Anyways I threw up all night, I woke up feeling sick-as-can-be.

I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, I had coffee for lunch and a protein shake for my 2:45pm meal.

I wasn’t even hungry for dinner, but I forced myself to eat a chicken breast with butternut squash on the side.

I will not be eating between now and bedtime.

I will weigh myself tomorrow and get back to my regular, strict-Dukan eats then. Oh, did I mention, I’m weighing myself tomorrow! And you can’t stop me neener-neener.

So… that’s it I guess. My parents loaned me a mini-laptop… Hopefully I can type some posts up and steal somebody’s wifi to post it for you guys to let you know what’s up. Just be aware that I cheated on Monday and I’m not letting it bring me down. I’m not allowing my habits to swirl like they always have in the past.

Because what I have been saying the past few posts is absolutely 100% true. I am focused, I am strong, I am here, working hard towards my goals. Although this Mondays weigh in didn’t reflect that, and me going out and getting sick certainly didn’t cement my own belief in myself… I know that this time I am doing it for reals. No more restarts. This isn’t a restart, it’s a hiccup  and I have absolutely not lost my drive.

xoxo

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8 thoughts on “Day 12

  1. Constance- So good to have you back. I paid up my hardcore at 4 boot camp yesterday since I didn’t see a weight loss post (I guessed I lost the bet). So sorry your life is tough right now. You are staying strong and hiccups are a part of life. I feel your pain. I did way worse last week when I got depressed and will be undoing the damage for a couple of weeks. I hope you can find some wifi because I really miss it when you go a day without posting. You continue to be an awesome inspiration. Stay strong!

  2. Sorry about your liscensing and bad couple days.

    As a landlord myself – talk to yours about the cold apartment and ask if s/he would be willing to purchase some plastic to cover the windows, etc. If they are nice – they will. ;)

    Just remember 3 lbs sounds like a lot, but in the scheme of your accomplishments including : weight loss and blog followers – you still rock!!!!!

  3. I agree with the other comments. It’s been stressful for you. I’m confident the weight gain is a temporary hiccup. You’ve been so strong! Just cut back a bit, eat less later in the day, and you’ll lose it – no problem.

  4. Chicken has lots of salt! When I really want to max my weight loss on a particular day, I’ll have scrambled eggs for dinner, and steak for lunch, since I can control the sodium content of that!

  5. Oh no, that must have been so discouraging when you saw the weight gain. At least it was only a one night binge and not a week long one!! hope you feel better soon. sounds like you need a holiday, but hey, its nearly christmas yay!!

  6. Constance, I can’t say this enough…please consider talking to a professional about your eating disorder (you clearly have one). As hard as that may be to accept until you get help this cycle will never stop.

  7. that sux, but don’t let it get you down, you are awesome and you have come so far. as far as the gain goes, gains happen and you are being honest about why. stick to the straight and narrow and you WILL see positive change. we are all behind you as your cheer squad :)

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