Trying (Trying) To Be Positive

So, I have, over the past 3-4 days, written up 3 huge posts. Giant posts, explaining what happened to me. Explaining the poor way I have been treated over the past who knows how many years. Explaining the sabotage, the¬†psychologically¬†abusive nature of my past relationship…

Finding myself, learning to think of myself as a person who deserves to be respected, deserves to be treated with kindness… it’s all a part of this journey. The first step is to stop communication, it has been done and now I can move forward.

But sitting here, typing up my experience, making excuses for myself and playing the victim, looking for a pity party… that wont move me forward, that wont push me towards my goals or aid me in my success. In fact, it’s wallowing in the past, and not something that will benefit me in any way.

Tomorrow I have to go through the stress of the unknown. Going back to my apartment, when I start to think about it all my mind goes a mile a minute, I get depressed, angry.

So I wont think about it.

I don’t have a car anymore. Which means I am stuck in my little town, with no bus system to bring me to any of my friends. I hate relying on people for drives, so I will avoid it as much as possible… but that means the only thing in my life now is my job, the gym… and any grocery store within walking distance… that is all I can do. There is nothing else.

Also, I have no source of entertainment in my home… since I am certain he has taken the couch, TV, Xbox… he has taken the bed, the cat… everything.

I don’t want to think about it.

So, I guess this is the Universe FORCING me to follow my dreams. I suppose when I get bored of life and I’ve worked out and meal prepped etc… I can walk to the nearest McDonalds and blog to you guys through their free wifi. ;)

So I guess you will be seeing more of me. How exciting. ;D

The photo above is me today, I have been thinking a lot about this next competition prep. I am holding out for June 15th, but if it takes me until next November to get my ideal body, well so be it.

Once I figure out my life tomorrow around 5pm Eastern Standard Time (please pray for me) I will be writing out a meal plan and workout plan to start as of Tuesday morning.

So… I guess when I said last time was my final restart, I didn’t fully anticipate my life getting flipped once again… but there are (hopefully) no more surprises in store for me, and I can just carry on with my life, my plans, my bright future.



Ugh… Moving Forward?

Sooooooooooooooooo this past week eh?

Well, I can’t really talk about it, or details about it, and let’s just say tonight I have had a few too many glasses of wine and I”m staying at my parents until Monday…

Oh yeah, and Monday Matt (Prawn) is moving out, and will be out of my life for ever for good…

But once I move back in to my (empty) apartment on Monday… life can start, life can be good.

I had a panic attack, an anxiety attack… but things are finally getting BETTER.


I have been doing good with my diet… well until my 50$ of food and booze tonight at my Christmas work party…

Pray for me I guess. This is my rock bottom.

I wrote a post on my Iphone on like… Monday, outlining how a few days ago was my rock bottom… turns out it was actually two days ago exactly… and the only way my life could be worse is if I lost my job… but MOVING UP from rock bottom… anyways it feels nice/stressful beyond belief…

I guess in a bit I will be allowed to tell you what happened… let’s just say… it was horrific.

Am I drunk?



PS: Seriously… how many times in 2012 do I have to claim my rock bottom? Totally hit it… one day when you are old enough I will tell you the story…

Matthew is moving out, end of the 6 year long chapter… moving forward… FINALLY. I hope to never speak to him again.