Trying (Trying) To Be Positive

So, I have, over the past 3-4 days, written up 3 huge posts. Giant posts, explaining what happened to me. Explaining the poor way I have been treated over the past who knows how many years. Explaining the sabotage, the psychologically abusive nature of my past relationship…

Finding myself, learning to think of myself as a person who deserves to be respected, deserves to be treated with kindness… it’s all a part of this journey. The first step is to stop communication, it has been done and now I can move forward.

But sitting here, typing up my experience, making excuses for myself and playing the victim, looking for a pity party… that wont move me forward, that wont push me towards my goals or aid me in my success. In fact, it’s wallowing in the past, and not something that will benefit me in any way.

Tomorrow I have to go through the stress of the unknown. Going back to my apartment, when I start to think about it all my mind goes a mile a minute, I get depressed, angry.

So I wont think about it.

I don’t have a car anymore. Which means I am stuck in my little town, with no bus system to bring me to any of my friends. I hate relying on people for drives, so I will avoid it as much as possible… but that means the only thing in my life now is my job, the gym… and any grocery store within walking distance… that is all I can do. There is nothing else.

Also, I have no source of entertainment in my home… since I am certain he has taken the couch, TV, Xbox… he has taken the bed, the cat… everything.

I don’t want to think about it.

So, I guess this is the Universe FORCING me to follow my dreams. I suppose when I get bored of life and I’ve worked out and meal prepped etc… I can walk to the nearest McDonalds and blog to you guys through their free wifi. ;)

So I guess you will be seeing more of me. How exciting. ;D

The photo above is me today, I have been thinking a lot about this next competition prep. I am holding out for June 15th, but if it takes me until next November to get my ideal body, well so be it.

Once I figure out my life tomorrow around 5pm Eastern Standard Time (please pray for me) I will be writing out a meal plan and workout plan to start as of Tuesday morning.

So… I guess when I said last time was my final restart, I didn’t fully anticipate my life getting flipped once again… but there are (hopefully) no more surprises in store for me, and I can just carry on with my life, my plans, my bright future.

xoxo

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12 thoughts on “Trying (Trying) To Be Positive

  1. Um do you realize how good you look? I don’t think you do. I would love to have the flat tummy and no love handle squish that you have going on! Keep your chin up about the rest. Everything happens for a reason; it gets hard before it gets awesome. This is your test to see how badly you want to keep at being fit and healthy. You’ll do fine :)

  2. Hey gal…you can do this thing…it’s awesome that you have finally put that negative person/relationship behind you. Keep the focus on your goals and sweetness will follow.

    PS…from an old gal herself, let me just comment here on this, ” I didn’t fully anticipate my life getting flipped once again… but there are (hopefully) no more surprises in store for me, and I can just carry on with my life, my plans, my bright future.” You do indeed have a bright future TOTALLY…just don’t get lost in thinking life will not still throw you curves balls on a regular basis…just keep swinging love, that’s the secret ;) Some surprises are very welcome!
    xo
    *anna

  3. Constance, I am sure you will be fine when you go back to your home tomorrow. Just take it one tiny baby step at a time. Keep yourself busy and open to new experiences, and above all, take care of yourself, do things for YOU, and keep yourself distracted until this becomes the new normal for you. It’ll be good. You’ll be a much happier, and, even more, a much stronger person. I don’t think we need to know the gory details of anything – your first two paragraphs said all we need to support you in your new journey, and I, for one, am looking forward to hearing about all your new adventures and about your new discoveries about yourself and life around you. I think you are very wise for your young age. Blog when you can. We’re out here waiting to hear how are you doing – the good and the not so good. I am sure I speak for all your fans out here in cyberspace that we all wish we could just give you a huge hug. And I agree with NWArksanasMommatch, you look amazing!

  4. Look in the mirror for a long time and note 3 things (or more) good about yourself. Don’t let past voices or negativity fill your head.
    Everyday so the same thing – but find 3 news things. Pretty soon you will realize and know you are awesome. ;)

  5. I have been reading your blogs that represent your progress for some time now…. I just wanted to give you some support and encouragement to strive for who you want to be…. life is never a smooth journey… it is up and down, and that is what makes you who you are and who you will be… I remember the experience of where you are… many of us have experienced that total loss of predictability and control of what will happen tomorrow… but you are strong, you’re decisive and you are in control of the decisions that you are making from today on….. don’t look back… look forward to what you want….
    Give yourself a little bit of time though… regardless of who made the decisions, you have experienced a loss, and you need to grieve this loss,,, not of the person but of what you feel you no longer have… it is a process, and some days are good, and some are sad… hang in there and think about all the possibilities that exist for you… just reach out for them and go for it when you are ready…. you are the one who decides

    Stay strong and lift your face to the sunshine and feel the warmth of all those who support you

    Carol

  6. When I moved back to NYC from a winter near Fort Kent, ME, after living on my mom’s couch for several months with a 1.5 & 3.5yr old, I lucked out and got an apartment. It was furnished with a TV I found on the street (the tv stand was a box), a couch I got from my super, and whatever street furniture and donations from friends of my mom I could get. See if your parents’ friends have anything. People may be hanging onto stuff they’d be happy to get rid when the opportunity presents itself. The furniture I was given probably wasn’t something they would have gotten rid of except for the fact that they wanted to help me. I still have some of that stuff, even though it’s been over 10yrs. Your apartment may be sparsely furnished, but it’ll be a haven now, not a place to be avoided or fearful of. Getting out of a hole like this takes time. Accept any help/stuff you can, you can always upgrade the items over time! We are rooting for you!

  7. Constance. Take a deep breath, walk through that door and know you have a clean slate to work with. Prawn took all his negativity with him when he took all his stuff. Start fresh. We’re all rooting for you. Just think of the adventures that lie ahead and all the new interesting people and places you’ll find while exploring your neighborhood on foot….not to mention the added exercise!! You can do this.

  8. Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. You do look great though and have acheived so much and hopefully things can only get better. (maybe go buy the ‘Take That’ cd haha) If you have some kind of free website (here we have freecycle) you may be able to get a bit of furniture. You can do it!!! :)

  9. I stay away from your site for a few days and you go to pieces on me. Listen sweetie you got me started on this fitness thing and we are going to see it through. Shit happens and we move on. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow. You look great, by the way.

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