Not Ballooning Up As Much… A Reflection

As many of you are aware, while losing the weight (the 8 months I followed the Cruise phase and dropped 115lbs) I did not cheat. It could be argued that although I did binge, I binged on Dukan-allowed foods and in doing such, still managed to drop the weight but did not necessarily learn any tools to prevent me from gaining weight once I decided to get off the diet, or rather, once I hit my TW February 6th 2012.

As of Feb 6th 2012 I did not gain back any of the 115lbs I lost (which has be very proud). Although once again… can I really say I did not gain any weight? This is not true, at all. Maintaining the weight is a HUGE struggle, much more difficult than it was to drop it.

I have been known to say that losing the weight was easy. IT WAS EASY. Yes, bad days, struggling… all that. It was by no means a joyride. But it was MUCH easier than this maintenance… since I simply did not allow myself to cheat and gain any weight during my weight loss, whilst now I am much more loosey-goosey and I have been going through a rollercoaster… and I mean it. It’s been a rollercoaster.

But let me explain.

Firstly let me tell you that I am PROUD, that although I have made changes in my workout regime which has caused me to gain muscle (going from not even being able to do one ‘girly pushup’ to being able to struggle through 20-30 on my feet, proper stance pushups… going from calling the weight section of a gym the ‘big guy section’ to having the confidence to workout with the biggest guys at the gym… claiming the free weights as my own.

PROUD, so yes, although maintaining and keeping my diet in check has been brutal, a total learning process for me… I am happy and content with my progress and my transformation (as always… ongoing!!!)

So, with that said, the weight fluctuations have been just a CRAZY ride this past year. Starting about June 2012 I noticed the ups and downs, 3 weeks of eating whatever I wanted, no diet plan, usually no exercise either (which, longtime readers might now… when one of my habits… usually diet, falls to the side, my water intake as well as my regular exercise, also starts to suffer)

Aaaaanyways, so 3 weeks of gain, on average 30lbs followed by 3 weeks of proper eating, dieting, watching my calories or falling into ketosis while on Dukan, water intake goes up, exercise follows and then BAM right back where I started at usually around 155lbs.

Oops, 3 weeks later 30lbs gain… 30lbs loss… aaaannd… well if you are like me you see the trend starting to form! It’s been pretty consistent!

Except for this past time around. I did not 3, but 4 weeks of eating as I pleased. I felt bloated but not my usual ‘fat’ that comes along with my binges and obvious weight gain. I weighed myself expecting that 20-30lbs gain and I had gained 2lbs. 2!!!

So… there are two explanations for that… that have gone through my mind right?

Either my body is finally slowing down fighting me for gaining those pounds (remember Dukan and his theory of 5 days for every pound gained? Well my 5 days for every pound actually ends August 10th of this year!). So maybe I am not assimilating calories as effectively or rather… effectively-on-steroids?

OOOORRRR maybe with this long of yoyo dieting, I have built up some good habits that stuck, not eating as much, or as bad foods while ‘eating whatever I wanted’ this time around?

Not sure, do you have an opinion?

xoxo

Hmmm Seeking Advice, Off the Wagon, Miss You Guys :)

Good early afternoon to you guys!

How is everyone doing? I’m trying to get this internet thing under control, it’s hard trying to balance time between a full time job, catching up with my fam, cleaning, and spending almost every minute of my life with my new boyfriend… -.-

I don’t know if you know the feeling, but we live 40 minutes away and the travelling back and forth between the two places, also I was sick, then he was sick…

A new relationship, it’s weird because although he is so supportive of me and my dreams, but the lack of new routine and of me feeling sick, then him… all that stuff… has made it pretty difficult to actually get to the gym and put in a solid effort, because the entire time I spend thinking about him, rushing through so I can call him, not focusing and or feeling sick because of this cold going around.

Then, I could workout after work, but he actually has time to come down to where I live! So I don’t. I’m not going to make him wait in the car and if I workout for 2 hours then we can’t actually spend any time together. So what about on the weekend? Well we did, but I couldn’t focus. I’m not the kindof girl who likes working out with people. It’s just plug in and there you go. Beastmode through it.

Then with dieting, it’s much easier when you are on your own, or living together as Matt and I were doing, where I would prepare his meals or we would just do our own thing. Here we are doing groceries together and I don’t feel, this new in a relationship, like making my own Dukan-friendly thing and it being all awkward I guess.

DON’T GET ME WRONG I AM SO SO SO HAPPY.

This is all just the precursor of me making two points:

1. New relationships make you so happy, but mess up your routines and make you fat.

2. Pretty sure I’m moving in. ;) :D

As in, I am moving in. I’m moving in in June-July. We are going on a big trip down East where his family is from and where a part of my family I rarely get to see is.

We talked about it a while and I’ll have to give my notice to my current landlady in May, that will give us enough time to make sure this is something we want to do. :) It’ll be better monetarily and… well it’s all just positive stuff! Everything is bussing distance from here, there are jobs around and… well we can settle into routines around each other and I really feel like I’ll be able to focus on myself instead of focusing on well focusing on this new relationship.

But ladies, you are all struggling (or really succeeding) with yourselves, your weight loss, your working out, your families… How do you do it? What do you think of my plans?

It’s weird to say, and everyone kindof rolls their eyes, but he is the one! When you know you know, putting a gamble on our relationship yah-dah-yah-dah.

This is happening!

Also, when I say June-July I do mean… that although that was the initial plan, it seems like I might be giving my two months notice like… at the end of this month… meaning move in date will be closer to April.

I can’t wait!

He is so nice, and thoughtful. He loves my friends and I love his. He has a good job and is respectful and funny.

Ontop of about a billion other things.

Also he’s DAMN sexy.

Baha.

Love you guys! Give me some of your life experience!!! I don’t know have anyone in real life I can talk about with regards to dieting and a new relationship!

Also, FACEBOOK

http://www.facebook.com/ciesee

xoxo

(Your Dukan Dietress)

Trying (Trying) To Be Positive

So, I have, over the past 3-4 days, written up 3 huge posts. Giant posts, explaining what happened to me. Explaining the poor way I have been treated over the past who knows how many years. Explaining the sabotage, the psychologically abusive nature of my past relationship…

Finding myself, learning to think of myself as a person who deserves to be respected, deserves to be treated with kindness… it’s all a part of this journey. The first step is to stop communication, it has been done and now I can move forward.

But sitting here, typing up my experience, making excuses for myself and playing the victim, looking for a pity party… that wont move me forward, that wont push me towards my goals or aid me in my success. In fact, it’s wallowing in the past, and not something that will benefit me in any way.

Tomorrow I have to go through the stress of the unknown. Going back to my apartment, when I start to think about it all my mind goes a mile a minute, I get depressed, angry.

So I wont think about it.

I don’t have a car anymore. Which means I am stuck in my little town, with no bus system to bring me to any of my friends. I hate relying on people for drives, so I will avoid it as much as possible… but that means the only thing in my life now is my job, the gym… and any grocery store within walking distance… that is all I can do. There is nothing else.

Also, I have no source of entertainment in my home… since I am certain he has taken the couch, TV, Xbox… he has taken the bed, the cat… everything.

I don’t want to think about it.

So, I guess this is the Universe FORCING me to follow my dreams. I suppose when I get bored of life and I’ve worked out and meal prepped etc… I can walk to the nearest McDonalds and blog to you guys through their free wifi. ;)

So I guess you will be seeing more of me. How exciting. ;D

The photo above is me today, I have been thinking a lot about this next competition prep. I am holding out for June 15th, but if it takes me until next November to get my ideal body, well so be it.

Once I figure out my life tomorrow around 5pm Eastern Standard Time (please pray for me) I will be writing out a meal plan and workout plan to start as of Tuesday morning.

So… I guess when I said last time was my final restart, I didn’t fully anticipate my life getting flipped once again… but there are (hopefully) no more surprises in store for me, and I can just carry on with my life, my plans, my bright future.

xoxo

Ugh… Moving Forward?

Sooooooooooooooooo this past week eh?

Well, I can’t really talk about it, or details about it, and let’s just say tonight I have had a few too many glasses of wine and I”m staying at my parents until Monday…

Oh yeah, and Monday Matt (Prawn) is moving out, and will be out of my life for ever for good…

But once I move back in to my (empty) apartment on Monday… life can start, life can be good.

I had a panic attack, an anxiety attack… but things are finally getting BETTER.

Finally.

I have been doing good with my diet… well until my 50$ of food and booze tonight at my Christmas work party…

Pray for me I guess. This is my rock bottom.

I wrote a post on my Iphone on like… Monday, outlining how a few days ago was my rock bottom… turns out it was actually two days ago exactly… and the only way my life could be worse is if I lost my job… but MOVING UP from rock bottom… anyways it feels nice/stressful beyond belief…

I guess in a bit I will be allowed to tell you what happened… let’s just say… it was horrific.

Am I drunk?

Goodnight.

-Constance

PS: Seriously… how many times in 2012 do I have to claim my rock bottom? Totally hit it… one day when you are old enough I will tell you the story…

Matthew is moving out, end of the 6 year long chapter… moving forward… FINALLY. I hope to never speak to him again.

Day 12

Oookie dokie.

Hey you guys!

Well first off… all of you who placed bets, go do whatever you bet. I have no better way to say it but I gained 3lbs, not lose 6lbs… not 4lbs… I gained.

I didn’t cheat though! A few things I have to explain…

Well first off… I don’t have access to internet anymore. Prawn sold his laptop and not only can I absolutely not afford one… but we can’t even afford internet at my new apartment until we figure out how much hydro is going to be a month (I have a feeling it’s going to cost an arm AND a leg to heat this place… no insulation… but I don’t want to whine about my living situation, so let’s continue onward…)

So I came home to my parents (for the first time all month…) to type up my Challenge Results post for the week and get some needed computer stuff out of the way.

A new stressor in my life?

I lost my licence!

Yaaaaay…

I am not sure how it works where you guys are but our drivers licences go as follow:

G1 – Written test, can drive with someone as a passenger who has more than 4 years driving experience. Cannot drive alone.

G2 – Driven test. Can drive alone, a few other rules but I wont get into them.

Full G Licence – Driven test. Can drive alone, don’t need to renew until in old age.

So… you have one year after you get your G2 to apply for your G, take the test and then… well have your G licence. If you do not take your G test, you start at 0.

Well, with the moving, the weight gain, the competition, the stress of work and everything in my life… I put off getting my G licence… and would you look at that it expired on Monday.

Kill me.

So, this is what happened with regards to my diet until Monday: Alllllll week I didn’t weigh myself which as you all know, caused me a lot of anxiety. On Sunday night I saw those DAMN bagels, Prawn said he wanted McDonalds (but didn’t get any) and with all the stress of returning to work on Monday, coupled with the licence renewal I knew at that point there was no way I could do on time… which I was pushing to the faaaar back of my mind… and this depression I have been in since September…

I was so depressed on Sunday, in fact, that I didn’t answer any phone calls, any texts, I didn’t go on the internet, I didn’t take any pictures… I lied in front of the TV and watched not 3 or 4… but 5 movies. That’s all I did all day.

Anyways I didn’t cheat! I just ate a LOT of chicken breasts and fish. I stuffed myself from post-supper to right before bed.

I weighed myself (FINALLY) on Monday morning and broke down into tears. Ran into Prawns room just bawling, I gained 3lbs from last Monday.

In a week, a week of doing so well, with 2 slip ups, of eating too much meat… well once I ate extra oat bran… but you know? I did so well all week and I was PRAYING that even with my Sunday binge… that it was allowed foods and I would be spared?

Nope. A 3 FREAKING POUND GAIN… I waited all week to weigh myself for THAT.

So I have decided that I will weigh myself every day again…

So all Monday, I was depressed. Even more so than I usually am. I couldn’t concentrate. I was sad. The work day went by and I ate well, but I had already decided I would cheat. I mean, if I had just ate a bagel instead of 6-7 chicken breasts… I wouldn’t have gained those 3lbs. Although the bagel would have probably ended up in a carb-binge instead of a protein one… just a bagel would have done less damage, caloric-ly. And I was furious with myself and just… at the world.

So, I bought a bottle of red wine, got a frozen lazagna, cake, ice cream, and mozzarella sticks and ate in with Prawn.

Such a bad idea, not only did I stuff myself and end up totally binge-eating… but I got really drunk and ended up crying to him uncontrollably before bed. I didn’t even remember that this morning, I just know that he’s in a bad mood right now and told me about that…

I just never ever EVER drink… so when I do I guess it hits me hard. Or maybe it was because it was red wine?

Anyways I threw up all night, I woke up feeling sick-as-can-be.

I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, I had coffee for lunch and a protein shake for my 2:45pm meal.

I wasn’t even hungry for dinner, but I forced myself to eat a chicken breast with butternut squash on the side.

I will not be eating between now and bedtime.

I will weigh myself tomorrow and get back to my regular, strict-Dukan eats then. Oh, did I mention, I’m weighing myself tomorrow! And you can’t stop me neener-neener.

So… that’s it I guess. My parents loaned me a mini-laptop… Hopefully I can type some posts up and steal somebody’s wifi to post it for you guys to let you know what’s up. Just be aware that I cheated on Monday and I’m not letting it bring me down. I’m not allowing my habits to swirl like they always have in the past.

Because what I have been saying the past few posts is absolutely 100% true. I am focused, I am strong, I am here, working hard towards my goals. Although this Mondays weigh in didn’t reflect that, and me going out and getting sick certainly didn’t cement my own belief in myself… I know that this time I am doing it for reals. No more restarts. This isn’t a restart, it’s a hiccup  and I have absolutely not lost my drive.

xoxo

Place Your Bets! Fun Post. :P

I know I have been whining a lot about only weighing in one day a week, then last night I had a eureka moment when a friend of mine posted in a… I don’t know how to explain it properly…

You know when someone is pregnant and people place ‘bets’ on the day of birth, weight, gender? All that kind of stuff?

You know what will get me through the weekend of not weighing myself? Do you guys want to “Guess the Weight Loss”? :D

So, I have been doing ridiculously well with the dieting, other than last night where I didn’t cheat, not even with extra yogurt… I just took full advantage of that whole unlimited meat thing and ate a few extra servings of steak and an extra chicken breast and some more cauliflower.

I don’t know what came over me. I just kept looking at the jalapeno poppers Prawn and his friend were planning on eating, and they were drinking and all I wanted was red wine and cuddling and then I got up and made myself more steak. Then I got up and heated up fish with cauliflower ‘rice’ and then I got up again for more steak AND chicken breasts.

And maybe I also ate a second gallette for my day. :/ Okay so I did actually cheat.

Damnit.

So today as ‘punishment’ (I don’t really believe in punishing yourself when you have a bad food-day) I have decided to write out a food plan and stick to it and I HAAAATE writing out food journals, tracking calories… that kind of stuff. I am organised but not THAT kind of organised…

So, sticking to the plan, going to have an excellent day. No more slip ups! Even if it’s just extra portions of allowed foods! Although I am happy I stayed away from the Chinese food and pizza I had been craving all day, as well as those poppers, the chips in my house and those DAMN BAGELS!!!

So, a mini success. I don’t want to justify it to myself as a good choice because it was NOT but I know myself and I am aware that in the grand scheme of things, resisting going out to Tim Hortons for donuts with the boys last night… was huge for me. Especially considering how early in the diet-game I am.

SO, yes I had a could-have-been-better day yesterday but I am totally recommitted. I didn’t end up working out last night but tonight I am 100%, I made a date with a friend at the gym to keep me accountable and I will also be working out on Sunday. All weight training though, no cardio.

So… how much weight do you think I will lose this week?

RULES

You might notice below that I posted I would do half an hour of stairs if I lose my bet. You don’t need to bet something physical, maybe just something you have been putting off or nothing. Yes, you can bet nothing. :P It’s totally fine.

Just comment on this post how much weight you think I will lose! It’s fun and it’ll get me off that scale… also it will get me to work harder! I’m sure of it. ;)

Also, you CAN bet the same thing as someone else. No big deal. Have fun with this!

Good luck!

RELEVANT INFORMATION

Monday the 19th Weight: 167.8
Lowest Weight: 151.8 (Mid September 2012)
Monday the 26th Weight: ?!?!?!

Age: 21
Back On Diet: A week as of Friday (tomorrow)

BETS

Constance (dats me!) bets half an hour of stairs that I will lose at least 6lbs this week!

Lori V bets one week of not weighing herself that I will lose 3lbs!

Matthew bets one week following Dukan with absolutely no cheating (not a bite!) that I will lose 8lbs.

Angel bets a hardcore 4pm bootcamp session that I will lose 4lbs!

*****

Make great choices today! Work hard!

xoxo

Day 6

Hello Constance, welcome to day 6 of dieting!

As if as of tomorrow it’ll be almost a week back on… I want to weigh myself! I honestly woke up, bee-lined for the scale this morning and then drank a giant glass of water to prevent myself from weighing myself.

This is bad. I feel like a heroin addict must feel! Or someone who deletes their Facebook!

I keep thinking, well I GOTSTA weigh myself tomorrow! It’ll have been a week back on!

NO! CONSTANCE BE STRONG!

Would you believe I am struggling more with the idea that I have no idea how much weigh I’ve lost than with my eating, cheating, and overeating? LMAO. Last night I visited a friend and we made arts and crafts with Popsicle sticks and talked. Would you believe it was so nice? Drinking tea, just hanging out.

It’s weird… when I think of being with my family, I generally associate them with food. Birthdays, Holidays… food.

All of my other friends I also associate with food. Well food or alcohol, and there is almost always food around when I hangout with… well anyone!

This friend is totally different. We watch movies, go on bike rides, 4-wheeling, arts and crafts, on Saturday we are going shopping, and I never feel compelled to cheat around him, and we rarely if ever do anything food-related. Just tea.

It’s a nice change. I ADORE my friends to TEARS but what are pub nights, even ceilis have the food served at the end (ceilis are big Irish dancing things I go to once a month), drinking with friends, if it’s at a bar there are generally nachos served, hanging out at friends houses with chips and booze…

I have no problem avoiding eating these things, it’s just kindof refreshing not having to think about it at all. Even work… we are having a Christmas party on the 6th and it’s at a really nice restaurant and I’ve been stressing about it a little…

Actually you know what, he isn’t my only friend where my interactions don’t revolve around food. I do have a few… I can only think of one right now but anyways…

So, I sat Prawn down when I decided I was starting the Dukan Diet for good this time (last Friday) and (I’m not sure if I told you guys this actually…) he asked me if we could be partners again. Dieting partners.

So I told him that although I didn’t want us to rely on each other for our dieting, I would love to do the Dukan Diet with him. We talked about how unhappy we are with our weight gain, how confident we felt when we were thinner.

We talked about how we both hate how our clothes feel tighter, and he explained to me that he wasn’t happy I said I didn’t want to diet with him.

Which started a bit of an argument… since all I said was I didn’t want us to be dependant on each other, that way neither of us could sabotage the others efforts. In the end he told me he understood what I was trying to say and that once again, he would love to diet with me, lose weight together, and be happy again.

Well I am glad I decided to diet on my own you guys. -.- I am REALLY disappointed to be honest but Prawn hasn’t had a day without cheating once. In fact, he went to his parents and pigged out and brought home baegals (oh wait… I totally have told you guys this already… I just remembered I wasn’t entirely sure how to spell baegals but I posted anyways. XD) I do have new information though.

Last night I came home to nachos having been made and 3 bags of chips. He had friends over and I guess they ate at the apartment… The half empty (mostly empty) bags are still on the kitchen table. I’m having a hard time moving them and I told Prawn to deal with it. I hope when I go home on my lunch that they are gone.

Still baegals in the fridge, and margarine… and I totally want to eat them but I wont.

It’s just disappointing. I thought we were going to do this together. The other day after he cheated I asked if he felt good having cheated, and if it was worthit.

He was obviously embarrassed and after avoiding the conversation for a bit informed me that ‘he had made good decisions all day’…

I said, yeah but that doesn’t make it okay to overeat later and stray from the diet. All of a sudden you have broken your day of eating right all day… right?

He said, ‘no I made good decisions all day, including the baegal.’

So I don’t understand. When you know something works if you don’t stray and cheat, and you know the results you COULD be having if you don’t eat that baegal… why do we eat the baegal, and then justify it as ‘not that bad of a decision’ or GAWED forbid… a good one?

xoxo